寻死.....

寻死是我一直以来都有的念头。 我懂，我没有那么多的勇气面对未来.... 我试着让自己不去想，少用点脑精，就让自己迷迷糊糊的过日子。但很多事情的不如我所愿。。。 我厌恶自己.. 厌恶自己的粗心大意给人带来不便..  我厌恶自己.. 厌恶自己的惰性给人带来压力.... 我， 希望..... 希望上帝或阎王愿意收留我，我不懂我可以活多久，但我真的很想放弃。。。。

18/12/09 thurs rain 8.50pm

my story cannot be forget.. now i wish i can forget everything.. i dono why now i become like this.. life is being very miserable for me now.. what can i do to get back the happy go lucky me? i didnt feel happy anymore, i dont feel lucky anymore.. i wan back my friendship, i wan back my love i wan back my time i wan back my study.. regret for alot of things i had done..

regret with doing it with him, regret for being too friendly to him, regret for pushing him away, regret for being too relax during study time, regret for being so unfilial to mummy.. i feel so pain, all this thing keep on pushing me, stress up my mind, happiness is leaving me.. i dono how to be happy anymore.. once i have spare time, things jus easily got up to my mind.. all those unhappy thing, what can i do to get happiness back? arent im a easily pleased person but y now i feel nothing can make me happy?

i wish i can lost all my memory, i wish i can.. if u reli wanted me to live lonely forever, pls, let me lost all my memory n ill stay by myself..

06/12/2009 12.54am Sunday

06/12/2009 12.54am Sunday

真不知道自己想要怎样。
考试要到了，还这么得轻松。
会遭到天处罚的。

好像谈恋爱了，觉得一切令我失去斗志都是因为少了异性爱。
到底要如何才会有桃花呢？看来要到庙里去拜拜了，求桃花源啊。
我要求不多，不吸烟，少喝酒， 少赌博，会游泳，会骑车，有经济能力，有学问，好看，高....
够了吧你，也不看看自己是什么货色，在这里胡言乱语就好了，到外面至少要留点面子啊，
自作多情的家伙，没用，笨蛋，自以为是，嚣张， 狗眼看人低，丑，懒惰................

希望一切都可以平安的过去，不要有太大的起伏。

新生活要开始了，你不要再自暴自弃了，有自信的女人最有魅力，别在浑浑噩噩的过日子的。
前面的路还有好长好远，你真的要这样继续过下去吗？

我真的很衰。。本想要减轻家里的负担， 哪知道最后负担就是我。。
我真的很不开心， 本想做个好女儿， 让他开心， 哪知道最后最让他伤心得是我。。
我真的很拗气， 本想让她开心， 哪知道最后伤到她的是我。。
想做得越多却越做越错， 该做的不做，不该做得确实一大堆。。
现在真的很低潮，祸不单行。
我不敢看到爸爸出来的时候听到这时的反应，好愧疚，好自卑。
看到你为我们的复出，我知会大方的接受，把一切当成理所当然，你应该很累吧。
对不起。。。我无能做你们骄傲的女儿。。。

我要改了， 脾气不要再那么牛， 学着温柔，还来得及吗？

f8 fail............................

todays exam totally make me lose my self confidence.. i thought it will be easy.. only until the last minutes i got so much to write but no time nor chance anymore... chances are giving to those people who are ready and not last minute person like me.. im so regret.. total lost of confidence now has effect my study for f9.. keep thinking of how my future will be? how many paper more? next sem which paper should i take? will i fail all and jus wait for the result and not to pay for the new sem fees? miserable mind is striking me really hard and its hard to cure.. i have no idea why out of sudden i will become so weak.. is it because of family problem? is it really because of daddy having financial problem make me felt that our family angel's wing is hurt and hardly protect me this selfish little girl who always want to enjoy funs and ignore the reality? i feel so sorry for my family.. i hate the feeling of being helpless.. no one can help me, only myself..

please work harder this time.. dont be so selfish and short sighted who only enjoy current and ignore future.. dont always look down on people and be too ego.. you are just like them.. playful..

study.. study.. study..

30.05.2009 Saturday

depress, miserable is how i feel now....

i think i start feeling like this since i broke up.. more than 3 years... lost the target of life, no motivation, no happiness.. what i want to do now is just be with BBT everyday and do nothing.. is he really that important and such a big influence in my life? deep wound? i dont know.. sometimes i do miss him but maybe is just because i have been single for a really really really long times and no admirer around me make me feel depress.. looking at friends who are couple and sweet really makes me jealous..

i was thinking, if i happened to accept jj will my life be totally different? i am sure he will really love me and treat me like princess.. stop it yen, there is no if in this life.. everything is fact, no if.. want something to happen? just do it.. you had made your choice, people been waiting so long for you, not to disturb him anymore.. even in your mind, set everyone free..

i'm such a choosy.. i ignore the fact that when i'm choose people, people choose me too.. with this kind of skin, who will be attracted by me? anyway i'm not attractive at all.. haha.. acne and pimples is always the problems in my life.. i'm really depress with it.. no matter what i done, they keep on popping out..

family problems always bothering me.. i really dont know what to do with it..

im so tired.. tired for keep running away for problems and mistake and at the end, i still have to face it..

i wish someone can love me.. im desperate for love...